Category Archives: Condom

A flying condom wrapper hit me in the head

Last month hubby and I had the opportunity to go away without kids for two weeks, and we took it!  Granted there were only two of our three children at living home and they are 23 and 21, so having mom and dad out of the house for a couple of weeks really isn’t a big deal.

Not a lot gets done in regards to personal grooming when you are on the road for two weeks, camping most of the time. Showers were had, but trying to shave one’s legs in a campground shower stall is next to impossible, if you want to do it with hot water. Plus there were a number of days where it had rained and rained so the comfort stations were not in their best shape.

Picture of us on Cape Breton Island Nova Scotia

Starting to look haggard

So after two weeks away from home, it was time for hubby and I to pretty ourselves up. I was fine with taking care of myself, hubby was able to trim his beard to perfection, but then came time to deal with the back hair. I know, eww, and he required my assistance.

Some woman may like a hairy man, and certainly I like his hairy chest but when it comes to back hair, no thank you, I do not want to sleep with a grizzly bear. Over the years we have tried different methods of hair removal. There was the waxing episode (insert laughter), it did not go over well, sure enough it removed a lot of hair but he couldn’t handle the pain (and he has the nerve to suggest I wax my nether regions, ha!). Then there was the cream removal treatment, it didn’t really work either, I had to keep slathering it on, then showering it off for him, then slathering it on again, showering, and so on. The final and most successful is plain old shaving with the electric beard trimmer, it’s quick, painless, and does the trick. Voila! He’s been beautified.

Now sex on vacation doesn’t really happen when you are driving, and stopping, and driving all day, then trying to find a place to stay, particularly since this was a spur of the moment trip, and nothing was booked. We were exhausted most nights, then we would be camping, having to cook our dinner, set up the tent, the air mattress, sleeping bags, and hubby’s nightly fight to start a fire with soggy wood (he usually won after soaking everything with camp fuel). Don’t get me wrong, I would not trade the camping for anything, I loved every minute of it, and so did my husband, but we were tired, and even if sex was on our mind, we were tired.

So, when we arrived home, we had to make up for lost time. Now, after years of bad timing you would think middle child would have learned by now, that when you knock on your parent’s bedroom door, you do not just walk in. Apparently the poor girl has not learned, and is once again scarred for life!

After slamming our door shut, she yelled she was going to check the mail. About ten minutes later I sent her a text message asking if we received any mail, she sent me this back:

No
Please
I’m tainted
My brain is overloading
I’m about to throw up
WHY
GET A FUCKING HOTEL ROOM
DISGUSTING HUMANS
I WANT TO DIE

The poor girl. Now a few weeks have gone by, and I must say she has gotten her revenge, not on purpose, but she has. This morning as I was driving the dogs to the dog park with the windows open, I was suddenly hit in the head by some sort of plastic wrapping, which then drops down to the floor. I look down, and what do I see but an open condom wrapper, OMFG – is the thought! I’m distracted by the dogs, until I arrive home, and as I am letting the dogs out of the car, I actually find the used condom in the back of the van. She got me. I’m grossed out. I’m happy she’s playing it safe, but in my van, ewww, Get a fucking hotel room daughter.

Hotel Frontenac

Le Chateau Frontenac, Quebec City

Toe surgery and a condom

Toe is wrapped after surgery

Toe is wrapped after surgery

This past Friday, I had surgery on my big toe to remove two ingrown nails. Gross, right? I will not argue with that description at all. The surgery itself is not all that painful, except for the two initial needles to freeze the toe. That hurts. Basically the surgery entails cutting a good portion of both sides of the nail. After the nail is trimmed the doctor puts quite a bit of gauze in the sides of the nail to stem the bleeding. The toe is wrapped and I am sent home with instructions not to do any walking for the next couple of days.

The next day I saw the nurse who would change the bandages. This is extremely painful! As instructed I took some codeine a half hour before seeing her. My husband being a very good sport, and having a strong stomach, attended the appointment with me. The initial bandages came off with no problems at all, and then it was time to remove the gauze the doctor had inserted in the nail bed. To say I screamed, swore loudly, and cried is an understatement. At one point, I had to ask the nurse to stop, the pain was just too much. She was wonderful with her attempts to be gentle (impossible), and the humorous distractions made by all. Eventually all the gauze was removed and my toe was again covered in bandages. (Thankfully there was only a tad of gauze put back in the nail bed).

One of the other instructions the doctor had given me, was not to get the nail wet for a few days. This would pose some difficulty when showering, until my husband spoke up, and suggested my toe wear a condom.  The nurse thought it was a fabulous idea, the condom is sterile, and it would just roll over the toe. Me, well, awkward. Desperate for a shower though, I bit the bullet, dug out the package of unused condoms, and proceeded to cover up my toe.

My toe wearing a condom.

My toe wearing a condom.

After my shower, I unwrapped my toe from the condom (oh that brought back memories, not from unwrapping toes though, lol), to find that my husband was correct, the bandages on my toe were dry. Damn, now I had to tell him he was right. 😉