Category Archives: Depression

My life with chronic pain, dogs, and Master Baking

Life has been a roller coaster of pain lately, with Bursitis now in my hip, sitting, which was already quite difficult for any length of time, is now almost impossible for more than a few minutes without having to take more medication. It has left me quite depressed, not really wanting to do anything.

Making life more painful, has been my insistence on taking the dogs for a walk in the dog park (though I have lost quite a bit of weight which is a bonus). It was not too bad walking on the snow, but then it melted, and refroze. Left were deep ruts in the ice, making it extremely hard, and actually dangerous to walk on, yet I did, then paid for it with having to lay on the couch covered in ice pads and heating pads.

A couple of weeks ago, we had the pleasure of both middle child and the young man home for six days. Each were on spring break at the same time. It was wonderful to have them home but then reality set it…laundry, the tank of gas that lasts a month for hubby and I now vanished. It seems I have become used to the empty nest, the quietness, and my own slow but steady routine. With the kids home, I was reminded how there was no food in the refrigerator when actually there was, but nothing to their liking. How I now had to buy skim milk for the young man, almond milk for middle child, numerous juices, since one container seemed to disappear in a day.

Then they left and what happened? I missed them. It was about a week after they left that the young man Skyped with his mom and dad. He doesn’t Skype very often since his internet connection is not very stable. The conversation was awesome, but I was very tired, and with exhaustion comes fibro brain, meaning I mess up words, can’t find the words I need to complete a sentence, or I mispronounce. As I was explaining to the young man, how I made English muffins, he didn’t really seem to care because as he told me, he doesn’t like English muffins, and will therefore never make them. The next thing that happens is I ask why he doesn’t want to be “Master Baking”, and both he and my husband break out in laughter. I’m lost, until they explain that it sounded as if I had said I wanted him to become, like his mom “Master” at “Masturbation”. Personally I didn’t see it, but they laughed and laughed. Conclusion, mom should not have conversations when she is tired.

It’s been over two years since my husband starting renovating the bathroom. Well, actually it was my idea, and the eldest daughter said she would do most of the work but then she started working. The bathroom was left a mess, and it was now up to my husband to finish what we had started.  I wanted subway tiles to cover all the walls, so after much disagreement, and me holding out for my design, hubby finally relented and the tiling began. It took well over a thousand tiles to cover all the walls, before he finished. The grouting was done, fixtures were put back in place. We still have to decide how the shelves will be done. More tiling, wallpaper, or paint? This decision may take another few months. Thankfully we have the upstairs bathroom for showers. We can still use the sink and toilet in the bathroom, but there is no towel rack, so towels are just thrown here and there after washing one’s hands.

This has been my life lately.

What did you do this weekend?

Last night, I was reading one of the blogs I follow, and the blogger asked “What did you do this weekend?”. The usual, I thought, market and laundry. Now I always visit the farmer’s market on Saturdays but it just so happens I haven’t been well the past few. I follow a routine when I arrive, I buy a newspaper, then a herb & garlic croissant to have with the latte I buy next. I always purchase my croissant from the same vendor each week, making sure I say hello, how are you, but to be honest, I really didn’t think he noticed I was there every Saturday morning. Much to my surprise though, the first thing he said to me as I asked for my croissant, was he hadn’t seen me in a few weeks. My first morning smile. Next I went to my usual coffee place and had my usual latte, gosh I’m boring while I sat and chatted with the staff. Again, the one staff member noted I had not been there in a few weeks. My second smile of the day.

Now I’m sure I did have a few, if not many more smiles this past weekend, but it was still quiet for me, especially since my husband worked nights again. Middle child, her dog Bear, and the teenage boy are hundreds of kilometres away at university, and the eldest was off visiting her boyfriend. It was the dog and I. Besides the odd woof, he is very quiet. When the kids are young, parents dream of these days, no one pulling at your pant leg, asking the same question over and over again, but when the solitude does arrive, you wish for the noise again.

After Christmas has passed, January and February are very difficult months to get through. The bills start to come in, the weather is dark and gloomy, and most of us wish to be on that white sandy beach. Ironically, today is referred to as Blue Monday. If you have kids that are still young or in higher education, the white sandy beach is just a dream for most of us. Hubby and I made a choice years ago, we had three kids, thus the vacations are few and far between. A few years ago, when the kids were old enough to stay home by themselves, hubby and I started taking three or four day back-country camping trips in the spring. It was our time and still is our time to have fun together, but I still dream of going away to that white sandy beach especially since we have only been once. In 2009, five years ago, we went to Cuba, it was my husband’s first trip out of the country.

So what do I do this weekend? Well besides the usual, I browsed travel web sites, in hopes that I can find a trip to that white sandy beach we can afford, and that I can convince hubby the bathroom renovation that has been going on forever can wait a few more months.

What did you do this weekend?

I’ve lost my oomph

Every once in a while I lose what I like to refer to as my “oomph”. You know what it is, you get up in the morning with a smile, all ready to attack the day. Well, I haven’t been waking up with a smile and I certainly have no gumption to attack the day. I force myself out of bed, have a coffee, sit down, boot up the laptop and then stare at it. I have very little interest in reading emails, blogs, checking Facebook or Twitter.

Sometimes it seems I’ve had to much information thrown at me and it is time to shut it all down for a few days. I turn off the laptop, the television, and return to “old school” enjoyments. I open a book to read, I pick up my knitting or sewing, I ignore the outside world. By stepping back from everything, I have time for contemplation, self-reflection and hope my “oomph” returns.

Contemplation

What do you do to regain your oomph? Have you ever lost your oomp?