Category Archives: Loneliness

What did you do this weekend?

Last night, I was reading one of the blogs I follow, and the blogger asked “What did you do this weekend?”. The usual, I thought, market and laundry. Now I always visit the farmer’s market on Saturdays but it just so happens I haven’t been well the past few. I follow a routine when I arrive, I buy a newspaper, then a herb & garlic croissant to have with the latte I buy next. I always purchase my croissant from the same vendor each week, making sure I say hello, how are you, but to be honest, I really didn’t think he noticed I was there every Saturday morning. Much to my surprise though, the first thing he said to me as I asked for my croissant, was he hadn’t seen me in a few weeks. My first morning smile. Next I went to my usual coffee place and had my usual latte, gosh I’m boring while I sat and chatted with the staff. Again, the one staff member noted I had not been there in a few weeks. My second smile of the day.

Now I’m sure I did have a few, if not many more smiles this past weekend, but it was still quiet for me, especially since my husband worked nights again. Middle child, her dog Bear, and the teenage boy are hundreds of kilometres away at university, and the eldest was off visiting her boyfriend. It was the dog and I. Besides the odd woof, he is very quiet. When the kids are young, parents dream of these days, no one pulling at your pant leg, asking the same question over and over again, but when the solitude does arrive, you wish for the noise again.

After Christmas has passed, January and February are very difficult months to get through. The bills start to come in, the weather is dark and gloomy, and most of us wish to be on that white sandy beach. Ironically, today is referred to as Blue Monday. If you have kids that are still young or in higher education, the white sandy beach is just a dream for most of us. Hubby and I made a choice years ago, we had three kids, thus the vacations are few and far between. A few years ago, when the kids were old enough to stay home by themselves, hubby and I started taking three or four day back-country camping trips in the spring. It was our time and still is our time to have fun together, but I still dream of going away to that white sandy beach especially since we have only been once. In 2009, five years ago, we went to Cuba, it was my husband’s first trip out of the country.

So what do I do this weekend? Well besides the usual, I browsed travel web sites, in hopes that I can find a trip to that white sandy beach we can afford, and that I can convince hubby the bathroom renovation that has been going on forever can wait a few more months.

What did you do this weekend?

How many of us adults behave like children?

In just less than a week I will be attending Blissdom Canada 2013, with hopes that it will be a wonderful time. One of the first things that comes to mind, is the number of people who will not know anyone. Sure people have chatted on Facebook and Twitter, but you really don’t know them. When it comes to meeting people face to face, anxiety makes an appearance for some of us. We may enter a large room, see many a round table, some people will already be seated and we will wonder where to sit. I, myself, usually choose a table at the back of the room just because it is physically easier for me, but most people tend to go to the front of the room.

At the beginning of September this year, the start of the school year for those of us that live in Ontario, Canada, Toronto Police Officer Chris Boddy send out a wonderful tweet:

School Tweet

As adults we behave quite similar to our children, we will enter the room, do a quick scan for someone we know, and we will glance over that person sitting alone, not thinking anything of it. Now this is not to say, that the person sitting alone, isn’t also waiting for someone, but there is always one who isn’t and just like children, will sit there quietly, maybe pretending to read the agenda for the second/third time. So this time when you enter the room, maybe say hello, ask if the person would like to join you at your table, it’s really that easy.

Depression is evil and unrelenting

It has been a while since I have blogged about middle child’s depression because it is a very difficult topic. When I wrote about The teenage boy is a young man, part of my breakdown was due to middle child having a breakdown and being so far away, I was pretty much useless in trying to help her. All I could do was listen. Yesterday, was another one of those days. Everything seemed to be going wrong for middle child, so when she phoned me, the tears were flowing and she was bawling. It is so difficult to try to console someone through the telephone and it is even more difficult for me as a mother to not cry with her. I feel her pain. I feel it differently though, I cannot understand the feelings of total helplessness, loneliness, worthlessness, of thinking you are a total screw-up. I try to find the right words to make her feel better but sometimes the words just make her cry harder because there are no correct words to say. All I can do is be there to listen, to tell her that her father and I will be coming soon to pick her up and bring her home. There were so many phone calls yesterday that I lost count, but by the last call she was feeling somewhat better, though I wasn’t. My heart was and is still breaking and as I write this down, the tears run down my face.

Depression is evil and unrelenting.