Tag Archives: Mental Health

Feeling so ever lost

My husband turned 54 this past Saturday, we are now the same age, and will be until April when I will turn 55. At the beginning of the month we returned the young man to university, he may be home in the spring, but there is also a good chance he will not be. The eldest lives an hour away from us, and well middle child is in a whole different country, Seoul, South Korea. At home one hundred percent of the time are the dogs and I. It is very quiet.

I spend a good deal of my time looking for a house in the country that doesn’t have a perfectly mowed lawn, but trees, lots of trees, maybe a pond, bushes, and wild flowers. I no longer enjoy the city, it’s far too noisy for me, I no longer have children that I am transporting here and there. I take the dogs to the dog park, or if my husband isn’t working we take them to one of the trails nearby.

Houses in the country though, are, it seems very expensive, unless we move further west but then the commute for my husband would be well over an hour, too much for a guy who has walked to work for the past twenty odd years. So I look for houses in some of the much smaller towns that aren’t too far away. Simcoe, has some lovely ones, the commute would be an hour or less, he can do that so I tell him.

I’m looking to revitalize our life, change it. Ultimately I would like to move up north or somewhere around Picton, or to the eastern townships of Quebec. ┬áTo move to any of those places my husband would have to retire, or start a new job. Retirement can’t happen for a few years, and starting a new job when you receive six weeks vacation right now, doesn’t sound all that appealing to my husband.

Right now would be a good time to sell our house, a house we have made into a home for the last twenty-three and half years. Middle child was two months old when we moved here. There have been a lot of changes, and I do love my house, but it is too big for us now. Even if the young man returns home for the summer, the house is still too big.

As I continue to walk up the hill of life, I’m feeling so ever lost. Bear is leading me, but he has no idea where he is going, until I tell him right or left, and I don’t really know which way.

Bear, middle child's dog helps me walk up the hill

My memories of Valentine’s day are not positive ones, are yours?

My memories of Valentine’s day as a child are not positive ones. My mother always made sure that we had a card for everyone in our class and with four kids this was no easy task for her. She did this for a number of reasons, mainly though it was because of what had happened to my younger brother one year. In his class of around 25 to 30 children, he received one Valentine’s Day card. It not only broke my brother’s heart, but it broke my mother’s too.

My brother was born with a cleft palette so he looked different, looking different forty-five odd years ago was not a good thing and he was teased a lot. His cleft palette also added a lisp when he spoke thus requiring speech therapy (our other younger sibling copied the way our brother spoke, so he too ended up having speech therapy). The cleft palette needed numerous operations over the years, then he lost his hearing in one of his ears (due to an infection during one of his hospital stays) requiring more surgeries. So receiving one card at school in front of children who didn’t want to be your friend was at the time, the end of the world.

When my kids started elementary school I explained to them my reasons for always writing out cards to every single child in their class, friend or not. I would ask them how they would feel if they received only one card, because there were and sadly still teachers who allow this to happen. Of course you may ask how can they stop it? Well you could ban the practice of giving out Valentine’s Day cards, but I’m sure that would not go over well with some. Then there are parents who maybe can’t afford to buy cards for everyone and worse yet, there are parents who will say my child doesn’t like so and so, so I will not make him/her write a card out for that person. Whatever the reason is, we as adults should not allow it to happen.

When one of my children did not like someone in their class we would always talk about why? If they said that child was mean, we would try to figure out the reasons. Sometimes, I explained that a child may be a bully because they are unhappy at home, or their parents were bullies and they learned that behaviour from them. Now I am no saint nor are my children, who is for that matter, but I have always tried to let my children see the other side of the coin.

So when Valentine’s Day arrives this year, as adults let us try to make it a positive experience for every child in the classroom.

What did you do this weekend?

Last night, I was reading one of the blogs I follow, and the blogger asked “What did you do this weekend?”. The usual, I thought, market and laundry. Now I always visit the farmer’s market on Saturdays but it just so happens I haven’t been well the past few. I follow a routine when I arrive, I buy a newspaper, then a herb & garlic croissant to have with the latte I buy next. I always purchase my croissant from the same vendor each week, making sure I say hello, how are you, but to be honest, I really didn’t think he noticed I was there every Saturday morning. Much to my surprise though, the first thing he said to me as I asked for my croissant, was he hadn’t seen me in a few weeks. My first morning smile. Next I went to my usual coffee place and had my usual latte, gosh I’m boring while I sat and chatted with the staff. Again, the one staff member noted I had not been there in a few weeks. My second smile of the day.

Now I’m sure I did have a few, if not many more smiles this past weekend, but it was still quiet for me, especially since my husband worked nights again. Middle child, her dog Bear, and the teenage boy are hundreds of kilometres away at university, and the eldest was off visiting her boyfriend. It was the dog and I. Besides the odd woof, he is very quiet. When the kids are young, parents dream of these days, no one pulling at your pant leg, asking the same question over and over again, but when the solitude does arrive, you wish for the noise again.

After Christmas has passed, January and February are very difficult months to get through. The bills start to come in, the weather is dark and gloomy, and most of us wish to be on that white sandy beach. Ironically, today is referred to as Blue Monday. If you have kids that are still young or in higher education, the white sandy beach is just a dream for most of us. Hubby and I made a choice years ago, we had three kids, thus the vacations are few and far between. A few years ago, when the kids were old enough to stay home by themselves, hubby and I started taking three or four day back-country camping trips in the spring. It was our time and still is our time to have fun together, but I still dream of going away to that white sandy beach especially since we have only been once. In 2009, five years ago, we went to Cuba, it was my husband’s first trip out of the country.

So what do I do this weekend? Well besides the usual, I browsed travel web sites, in hopes that I can find a trip to that white sandy beach we can afford, and that I can convince hubby the bathroom renovation that has been going on forever can wait a few more months.

What did you do this weekend?