Tag Archives: Sex

A flying condom wrapper hit me in the head

Last month hubby and I had the opportunity to go away without kids for two weeks, and we took it!  Granted there were only two of our three children at living home and they are 23 and 21, so having mom and dad out of the house for a couple of weeks really isn’t a big deal.

Not a lot gets done in regards to personal grooming when you are on the road for two weeks, camping most of the time. Showers were had, but trying to shave one’s legs in a campground shower stall is next to impossible, if you want to do it with hot water. Plus there were a number of days where it had rained and rained so the comfort stations were not in their best shape.

Picture of us on Cape Breton Island Nova Scotia

Starting to look haggard

So after two weeks away from home, it was time for hubby and I to pretty ourselves up. I was fine with taking care of myself, hubby was able to trim his beard to perfection, but then came time to deal with the back hair. I know, eww, and he required my assistance.

Some woman may like a hairy man, and certainly I like his hairy chest but when it comes to back hair, no thank you, I do not want to sleep with a grizzly bear. Over the years we have tried different methods of hair removal. There was the waxing episode (insert laughter), it did not go over well, sure enough it removed a lot of hair but he couldn’t handle the pain (and he has the nerve to suggest I wax my nether regions, ha!). Then there was the cream removal treatment, it didn’t really work either, I had to keep slathering it on, then showering it off for him, then slathering it on again, showering, and so on. The final and most successful is plain old shaving with the electric beard trimmer, it’s quick, painless, and does the trick. Voila! He’s been beautified.

Now sex on vacation doesn’t really happen when you are driving, and stopping, and driving all day, then trying to find a place to stay, particularly since this was a spur of the moment trip, and nothing was booked. We were exhausted most nights, then we would be camping, having to cook our dinner, set up the tent, the air mattress, sleeping bags, and hubby’s nightly fight to start a fire with soggy wood (he usually won after soaking everything with camp fuel). Don’t get me wrong, I would not trade the camping for anything, I loved every minute of it, and so did my husband, but we were tired, and even if sex was on our mind, we were tired.

So, when we arrived home, we had to make up for lost time. Now, after years of bad timing you would think middle child would have learned by now, that when you knock on your parent’s bedroom door, you do not just walk in. Apparently the poor girl has not learned, and is once again scarred for life!

After slamming our door shut, she yelled she was going to check the mail. About ten minutes later I sent her a text message asking if we received any mail, she sent me this back:

No
Please
I’m tainted
My brain is overloading
I’m about to throw up
WHY
GET A FUCKING HOTEL ROOM
DISGUSTING HUMANS
I WANT TO DIE

The poor girl. Now a few weeks have gone by, and I must say she has gotten her revenge, not on purpose, but she has. This morning as I was driving the dogs to the dog park with the windows open, I was suddenly hit in the head by some sort of plastic wrapping, which then drops down to the floor. I look down, and what do I see but an open condom wrapper, OMFG – is the thought! I’m distracted by the dogs, until I arrive home, and as I am letting the dogs out of the car, I actually find the used condom in the back of the van. She got me. I’m grossed out. I’m happy she’s playing it safe, but in my van, ewww, Get a fucking hotel room daughter.

Hotel Frontenac

Le Chateau Frontenac, Quebec City

My life with chronic pain, dogs, and Master Baking

Life has been a roller coaster of pain lately, with Bursitis now in my hip, sitting, which was already quite difficult for any length of time, is now almost impossible for more than a few minutes without having to take more medication. It has left me quite depressed, not really wanting to do anything.

Making life more painful, has been my insistence on taking the dogs for a walk in the dog park (though I have lost quite a bit of weight which is a bonus). It was not too bad walking on the snow, but then it melted, and refroze. Left were deep ruts in the ice, making it extremely hard, and actually dangerous to walk on, yet I did, then paid for it with having to lay on the couch covered in ice pads and heating pads.

A couple of weeks ago, we had the pleasure of both middle child and the young man home for six days. Each were on spring break at the same time. It was wonderful to have them home but then reality set it…laundry, the tank of gas that lasts a month for hubby and I now vanished. It seems I have become used to the empty nest, the quietness, and my own slow but steady routine. With the kids home, I was reminded how there was no food in the refrigerator when actually there was, but nothing to their liking. How I now had to buy skim milk for the young man, almond milk for middle child, numerous juices, since one container seemed to disappear in a day.

Then they left and what happened? I missed them. It was about a week after they left that the young man Skyped with his mom and dad. He doesn’t Skype very often since his internet connection is not very stable. The conversation was awesome, but I was very tired, and with exhaustion comes fibro brain, meaning I mess up words, can’t find the words I need to complete a sentence, or I mispronounce. As I was explaining to the young man, how I made English muffins, he didn’t really seem to care because as he told me, he doesn’t like English muffins, and will therefore never make them. The next thing that happens is I ask why he doesn’t want to be “Master Baking”, and both he and my husband break out in laughter. I’m lost, until they explain that it sounded as if I had said I wanted him to become, like his mom “Master” at “Masturbation”. Personally I didn’t see it, but they laughed and laughed. Conclusion, mom should not have conversations when she is tired.

It’s been over two years since my husband starting renovating the bathroom. Well, actually it was my idea, and the eldest daughter said she would do most of the work but then she started working. The bathroom was left a mess, and it was now up to my husband to finish what we had started.  I wanted subway tiles to cover all the walls, so after much disagreement, and me holding out for my design, hubby finally relented and the tiling began. It took well over a thousand tiles to cover all the walls, before he finished. The grouting was done, fixtures were put back in place. We still have to decide how the shelves will be done. More tiling, wallpaper, or paint? This decision may take another few months. Thankfully we have the upstairs bathroom for showers. We can still use the sink and toilet in the bathroom, but there is no towel rack, so towels are just thrown here and there after washing one’s hands.

This has been my life lately.