When we were in the initial planning stages of our vacation to Jamaica, one of the main requirements for me, besides hot and sunny weather was it had to be an adults-only resort. Don’t get me wrong I love children, but I wanted a vacation where we weren’t hearing little ones yell for mommy or daddy, and I wanted to see what it was like to go to a restaurant, where there weren’t kids throwing tantrums or running up & down the aisles. Now as many of you already know, hubby and I stayed on the clothing optional side of the resort (ironically, one of the resorts I had originally tried to convince my darling husband to go to was Hedonism. I explained to him that there was a prude side we could stay on, and if we felt comfortable enough we could go to the non-prude side, but he said no, he wasn’t up to that right now).
So there we were on the clothing optional side (we hadn’t planned it, but the first room we were given was on the second floor, and there were too many stairs for me), approximately twenty feet from the beach, close to the bar and some to-die-for lamb chops. We had lounge chairs on our patio, lots of sun but also shade (necessary for when you run out of sunblock).
Now it didn’t take me long to drop the bathing suit for nudity, I blame out of whack perimenopause hormones for my lack of discretion, whereas it took my husband another day to drop his shorts. I believe he needed to see that there were no super models he had to compete with, one can only hold their tummy in for so long. Plus there is the manhood to consider, will it be up to snuff with everyone else. This is where hubby and I found there were two types of the male nudist, the ones that are nude all the time, and the ones that are only nude on vacation. The permanent nudists are shall I say, long and relaxed whereas the vacation nudists are mushroom caps, why? Well for the simple reason their manhood has been trapped in underwear its entire life. Now you know how to tell a non-nudist from a nudist.
It has been a tradition in our house for years that the children are allowed to open one gift on Christmas eve. Once they pick a present to open, there is no going back and changing your mind. Now my husband saves numerous odd shaped boxes, and toilet rolls to wrap presents in disguise, and he is very, very good at it. I must say also, that the eldest has learned the tricks of his trade. For example, this was the gift she wrapped for her cousin:
He had no idea what we had given him for Christmas. I helped her wrap all the cd’s individually then she made them into a star, but back to middle child. She of course thought she had picked out an amazing gift to open on Christmas eve, but hubby and I knew differently. I believe she may have waited until after her brother and sister opened their gifts. The anticipation was even more exciting for hubby and I.
When it was finally her turn, she slowly opened the gift, and lo and behold what did she find….socks! Oh my goodness, was she ever shocked. Her exact words were “What kind of parent buys socks for their kid on Christmas?” Well as it turned out her parents do. We were all in laughter, she was between laughter and tears, not quite knowing what to do, as she repeated over and over “What kind of parent buys socks for their kid on Christmas?” She tried to get us to let her open another gift but rules are rules on Christmas eve, only one present regardless of what it is. On each Christmas eve now, she is very leery when choosing a present to open, “Are they socks, she asks?” We laugh and shrug our shoulders, maybe, maybe not.
This is what happens when the teenage boy hides his moose in his older sister’s bed. The following conversation occurred over cell phones as the teenage boy made his way home from work last night.
Me: By the way: The game is on.
The teenage boy: I want my moose back.
Me: I don’t have it
The teenage boy: Where did she (older sister) put it?
Me: I will give you a hint. One second….The moose is on the loose
The teenage boy: That is not a hint
Me: I’m not finished yet. “The moose is on the loose. She likes a good swim but then she is all wet.”
The teenage boy: He, it’s a he.
The teenage boy: You didn’t get him wet did you?
Me: She is not wet. It’s a rhyme/riddle (referring to my hint)
The teenage boy: That is not a hint.
Me: So we have “The moose is on the loose. She likes a good swim but then she is all wet.” What do you think the next line should be?
The teenage boy: That makes no sense. I wouldn’t know (the next line) because I don’t know where he is.
Me: It makes sense to your mom. You have to think like your hormonal mom.
The teenage boy: That’s like thinking like a psychiatric patient.
Me: That’s not nice son. So you are a 52 year old hormonal woman who has witnessed an illegal activity.
The teenage boy: Illegal activity?
Me: This is what happens when you put a moose in someone else’s bed. Where she should not be.
The teenage boy: It’s amusing.
Me: So is this. I like rhyming. So let me recap, “The moose is on the loose. She likes a good swim but then she is all wet.” Do you know what comes next?
The teenage boy: No.
Me: I’m disappointed son. You have nothing? Tsk. Tsk. Maybe you will have the answer by the time you get home?
The teenage boy: Doubtful.
Me: lol. You are a smart. Just keep saying the two lines I gave you and the third should come naturally.
Me: The moose was in the linen closet. She was all wet, so needed a towel. Makes sense, right?